I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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