he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
try to milk me bitch
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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