it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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