FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
