Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
