Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
