all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
