Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
