i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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