3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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