thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
