Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
