my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
