I smell stomach acid.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
