pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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