Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
