you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
