Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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