i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
