i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
if only i could text you this smell
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
