you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
