Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
