My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
