We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
