I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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