apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
