Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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