Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
