Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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