I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
