I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
