as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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