My sheets look like a crime scene.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
