I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
