chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
