go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
