if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just threw up on my dentist
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
