A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
