She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
