imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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