ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
