ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
