Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
