Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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