Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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