you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
