grandma shit on top of the toilet
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I think I sprained my soul last night
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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