so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
