I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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