I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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