does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
