I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
